Mr. Wrong – Mary J. Blige
Me and Mr Wrong get along so good (so good)
Even though he breaks my heart so bad (so bad)
We got a special thing going on
Me and Mr Wrong (mister wrong)
Even if I try, no, I never could
Give him up cause his loves like that
Aint no way that I’m moving on
I love my Mr Wrong
Hung up off your good
You call and I run
My family's screaming at me don’t do it
Don't do it Mary.
I guess they never had none
When he put that loving on me, I can’t think of nothing
That’ll make me walk out
I’m holding on
I love my Mr Wrong
He be kissing and touching on me
I can’t help but love him
I must be out my mind
For going so strong
I love my Mr Wrong
Sound familiar? Interesting lyrics and, for most people who have been in a relationship like this, a very relatable situation. Dealing with someone you know is bad for you, but you can’t leave because of “when he put that loving on me” is like being in a prison cell while being in love with your captor. The lyrics to this song demonstrate all the signs of a classic dysfunctional, sex-driven relationship in which a person feels they can’t leave, even though they are getting their heart broken again and again. Most songs out today that are about “love” are really just about the emotional roller coaster that comes with sexual relationships. It has nothing to do with love. “When he put that lovin on me, I can’t think of nothing that’ll make me walk out.” Really? Even if he/she is physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive? Sad. We often look at situations like this, maybe in our friends and loved ones, maybe in our own lives, and wonder why we just can’t let the person go. The reason is because of the soul ties that came out of the sexual relationship, that are mistakenly being interpreted as love. Love, however, doesn’t leave you feeling like a captive, addicted, distressed, and mentally and emotionally conflicted.
What is a soul tie? On a most basic level, it is a “tie” or “bond” that is formed between people, linking their souls together, which can bring fourth both beneficial results or negative results. The soul of a person encompasses their mind, will, and emotions; their personality, their subconscious, the place where memories and feelings reside. It is the place from which decisions are made, and where connections are forged. Soul ties are those invisible strings that connect us to people and keep us connected. I look at them as spiritual “funnels” that transfer things between individuals. They can be good or bad, depending on the way in which they were formed, and who they were formed with.
Not all soul ties are bad. Healthy friendships and godly marriages and relationships can form positive soul ties that can be a source of encouragement, upliftment, and mutual spiritual growth. Parents have soul ties with their children, and of course family members obviously have soul ties with one another as well.
I want to deal with soul ties in relationships, specifically as it relates to sexual intimacy. Any time sexual intimacy takes place, soul ties are formed, and as a result, both participants become “glued” to each other in their soulish realm (mind, will, and emotions). This is a profound spiritual phenomenon that can’t be avoided if sexual activity has taken place. The above song lyric and many others proves it; her attachment to this man is directly related to the sexual relationship they’re having and what he’s carrying spiritually has now been transferred to her because there is a link connecting them. When you understand soul ties, you understand why people can remain attached to ex-lovers and ex-partners, seemingly unable to let go of the person. All the sexual experiences a person has are stored in their soul similar to a rolodex, which is why many times a person is never satisfied in a relationship. It’s because of what is logged into the catalogue of their soul, unbeknownst to them.
Many people bring exes into their marriages and future relationships, even if the person is no longer in their life because the soul tie with that individual has never been broken. Still others can’t even stick to one person in a relationship because they have “stuck” themselves to so many people over the course of their lives. Like a piece of tape that has been stuck to multiple surfaces and eventually loses it’s stickiness, people can have multiple soul ties with multiple people, making it virtually impossible to commit to someone because of all the spiritual and soul baggage they are carrying.
When it comes to solutions, we can’t deal with spiritual problems with unspiritual tools. Spiritual things go with spiritual things, and because of the spiritual nature of soul ties, there is no way to break them without employing something that is powerful enough to deal with them. Will power will not work when a person’s will is under the influence of a sexually-forged soul tie! When a stronghold has been formed in a person’s mind, they cannot just “get out” or “forget” about the person. Those feelings will linger and attempt to gain control mentally and emotionally (Remember, the will is a part of the soul). I can testify in my own life because I went through this years ago. The only thing that is powerful enough to break a soul tie is the Word of God, combined with the practical things a person has to do to disconnect from the person/people they are in a relationship with. Second Corinthians 10:4 says, “The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary they have divine power to demolish strongholds.” A soul tie is a mental and emotional stronghold that must be demolished in order for complete deliverance to take place. Here’s what worked in my own life:
1. I acknowledged the relationship was outside the will of God i.e. I was having sex with someone I was not married to and therefore inviting emotional and spiritual problems into my life through the realm of soul ties.
2. I made a decision to stop doing the thing that was causing me to get soul tied to people i.e. gluing myself to people I wasn’t married to through sex. This is the step that is the most basic but also the one that will be the deciding factor of whether a person even progresses to the deliverance process.
3. I began renewing my mind with the Word by making the meditation of certain scriptures a part of my life until my thinking began to change. If you change your thinking, everything in your life will change. This is what it means to renew your mind. I stayed on Romans 12:1-2:
a. “Therefore I urge you, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God-this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is.”
4. I made a commitment to allow my relationship with God to be the center of my life because that relationship is a place of protection from the detriments that come from going our own way. Psalm 91:1:
a. “He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty Whose power no foe can withstand.” Instability and emotional torment are spiritual foes, or enemies to your peace, but allowing the wisdom of God to be your guide will protect you from the unnecessary drama that comes from soul ties.
5. I cut off contact with people I was involved with sexually. Trying to be “friends” with a person like the one Mary J. Blige is describing in this song is foolishness, especially when you are JUST starting the process of cutting it off. You just have to make those hard decisions, if you’re serious about your emotional freedom that is. Again, this is another area that most people aren’t willing to do. When you really want to be delivered you do what you have to do. You change phone numbers, you throw pictures and memorabilia away and most importantly, you cut off contact. If the person is the father or mother of your child, then you only allow contact where it pertains to the child.
6. I used the Word of God to deal with thoughts that attempted to keep me connected to those situations. This goes back to step 3 i.e. renewing your mind.
7. Understanding the power of words as spiritually creative tools, I broke soul ties with my own mouth i.e. “I break the soul tie I have with so and so in the name of Jesus.” I released my faith in the supernatural ability of God to get involved with my situation and why not? I know I am loved by God and that it is not God’s will for me to be in ANY type of emotional turmoil.
8. I asked the Lord to send new people and relationships into my life. This is called replacement. If you cut something off but don’t replace it with something else, those old things will just find a way to come back into your life sooner or later. I’m not talking about cutting off a relationship only to get into another one and creating a new soul tie in an attempt to get rid of the old one, but a complete change where my circle of associates was concerned. When you start getting emotionally healthy and surrounding yourself with wise people who are emotionally healthy themselves, you start making different and better choices.
9. I prayed. Prayer for deliverance from certain relationships was probably one of the most powerful things I did. Not only does it give you strength to endure the weak moments and rough spots in the process, but when you have confidence that God hears your prayers, you know the answer is on the way.
If you’ve never been through the binding effects of soul ties and the turmoil that comes with them, then you may not be able to relate to this. But most people have been through it or are currently in it right now on some level. Soul ties can be broken, no matter how strong they may be. With God all things are possible and you can walk away from those relationships and receive a restored soul that is whole and able to make sound decisions. If there are people who you still have soul ties with from the past, who may not even be in your life anymore, begin to pray for deliverance. You are the prophet of your own life so start breaking soul ties with your own words and declare your freedom from any emotional bondage from the past. Be willing to go through your process, as difficult as it may be. I assure you, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Observing and Discerning: Pay Attention!
Why is it that we tend not to see the reality of a situation until after the fact? People who’ve come out of bad relationships or situations that totally threw them for a loop can relate. Particularly where relationships are concerned, we tend to find ourselves in the midst of drama once we’ve already invested time and emotion into someone who turns out to be a complete disappointment. After enough failed relationships, some people become jaded about the possibility of ever finding the right one. Others continue on with the same patterns and attract more of the same. Still others learn from their mistakes and avoid the same pitfalls. The answer to the original question comes down to two simple actions that can prevent us from ending up with the short end of the stick, not only in romantic relationships, but in business endeavors, friendships, and really any other situation that could potentially require an investment on our part. Becoming proficient at observing and discerning will save you time, money, and energy. The issue is are we willing to accept the truth of what we see and govern ourselves accordingly?
I’m a firm believer in living a simplified life and the older you get, the more important simplicity becomes. We don’t have time to waste on people, situations, and endeavors that are leading nowhere and draining our precious energy and resources in any way. The problem is that we tend to make emotional decisions rather than taking a wise approach to what we’re doing. The wisdom of Proverbs 3:5-6 rings true and ensures that we avoid the drama of detrimental relationships, friendships, business endeavors, career paths, and other situations that end up being a waste of our time. Really anything that requires a decision that could impact our lives in a major way should be submitted to these verses: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”
The concept is really very simple. First, we should trust God and not lean to our own understanding. We may have our own thoughts about how to go about doing something, or even be stuck in the ways we’ve always done it. Even when it comes to getting to know someone in a relationship, we may have our own understanding of how to do things. But instead of relying on our own ability to make things happen, we should trust God for wisdom, guidance and direction BEFORE we invest. It also says to acknowledge Him in ALL our ways, not just some of our ways. That means everything. Someone new comes into our life that seems like the perfect person? “Lord, what do You say have to say about them?” A new job opportunity that may involve relocating? “Lord, what’s your will for my life in this situation?” And if you aren’t at a point where your spiritual hearing is crystal clear yet, simply ask God to reveal to you everything you need to know about the situation before you do anything, in a way that makes it tangible for you. He will always do it.
Now this is where observing and discerning comes into play. The first step to avoiding dead-end situations is to ask God for wisdom, guidance and direction as soon as the proposition is before you. The second step is to ask Him to reveal to you what you need to know. The third step is to observe and discern what is being revealed. Pay attention to what you see before you! To discern something is to show insight, judgment, and perception. It also means “to detect.” Observation involves paying special attention to something or to notice it in detail. How much time do we really give ourselves to observe the people we’re dealing with before investing? We aim to give attention to detail on our jobs and careers, but how much attention to detail do we give to the people we are considering making an investment into BEFORE handing our hearts to them? If we would simply pay attention and be honest with ourselves about what we see, we could avoid a lot of situations.
Speaking from experience, when I reflect on past failed relationships, there
were always red flags long before things went bad. When it comes to people, we have to pay attention to the little things that set an alarm off within us. Don’t ignore those things! And also consider things like the circumstances under which the person came into your life, where you are emotionally at the time of the decision, and other factors that could be influencing your decision-making. You will know a tree by its fruit, not by what the tree tells you about itself. If you see apples, please believe it’s an apple tree, even if it tries to convince you it’s an orange tree. Character issues in a person that you ignore will be major points of conflict later on. The same is true for investments of time and money into different endeavors. Don’t do ANYTHING without seeking the wisdom of God. Don’t move ahead into something without taking time to observe what you’re dealing with and getting in a place of quiet prayer prior to decision making. When it comes to relationships, take your time and don’t lay everything on the line when there are obvious red flags present. Moving full speed ahead out of emotions or unresolved personal issues such as loneliness or anxiousness will only backfire on you.
I read once that wisdom is knowing and perceiving God’s perspective on a person, thing, or issue, and choosing to agree with His purposes. Are you willing to seek direction before getting involved? More importantly, are you willing to agree with whatever He tells you? Ultimately your agreement with godly guidance is going to be the difference between your success and failure in whatever you’re doing. That guidance may come through friends and loved ones who can see your situation from the outside and/or the sense of peace or a lack of peace you feel inside about the person or situation you’re dealing with. Don’t tell yourself you have peace when you really don’t, or try to convince yourself that what you’re observing isn’t really happening. Observe, discern, and love yourself enough to be honest about what you see.
I’m a firm believer in living a simplified life and the older you get, the more important simplicity becomes. We don’t have time to waste on people, situations, and endeavors that are leading nowhere and draining our precious energy and resources in any way. The problem is that we tend to make emotional decisions rather than taking a wise approach to what we’re doing. The wisdom of Proverbs 3:5-6 rings true and ensures that we avoid the drama of detrimental relationships, friendships, business endeavors, career paths, and other situations that end up being a waste of our time. Really anything that requires a decision that could impact our lives in a major way should be submitted to these verses: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”
The concept is really very simple. First, we should trust God and not lean to our own understanding. We may have our own thoughts about how to go about doing something, or even be stuck in the ways we’ve always done it. Even when it comes to getting to know someone in a relationship, we may have our own understanding of how to do things. But instead of relying on our own ability to make things happen, we should trust God for wisdom, guidance and direction BEFORE we invest. It also says to acknowledge Him in ALL our ways, not just some of our ways. That means everything. Someone new comes into our life that seems like the perfect person? “Lord, what do You say have to say about them?” A new job opportunity that may involve relocating? “Lord, what’s your will for my life in this situation?” And if you aren’t at a point where your spiritual hearing is crystal clear yet, simply ask God to reveal to you everything you need to know about the situation before you do anything, in a way that makes it tangible for you. He will always do it.
Now this is where observing and discerning comes into play. The first step to avoiding dead-end situations is to ask God for wisdom, guidance and direction as soon as the proposition is before you. The second step is to ask Him to reveal to you what you need to know. The third step is to observe and discern what is being revealed. Pay attention to what you see before you! To discern something is to show insight, judgment, and perception. It also means “to detect.” Observation involves paying special attention to something or to notice it in detail. How much time do we really give ourselves to observe the people we’re dealing with before investing? We aim to give attention to detail on our jobs and careers, but how much attention to detail do we give to the people we are considering making an investment into BEFORE handing our hearts to them? If we would simply pay attention and be honest with ourselves about what we see, we could avoid a lot of situations.
Speaking from experience, when I reflect on past failed relationships, there
were always red flags long before things went bad. When it comes to people, we have to pay attention to the little things that set an alarm off within us. Don’t ignore those things! And also consider things like the circumstances under which the person came into your life, where you are emotionally at the time of the decision, and other factors that could be influencing your decision-making. You will know a tree by its fruit, not by what the tree tells you about itself. If you see apples, please believe it’s an apple tree, even if it tries to convince you it’s an orange tree. Character issues in a person that you ignore will be major points of conflict later on. The same is true for investments of time and money into different endeavors. Don’t do ANYTHING without seeking the wisdom of God. Don’t move ahead into something without taking time to observe what you’re dealing with and getting in a place of quiet prayer prior to decision making. When it comes to relationships, take your time and don’t lay everything on the line when there are obvious red flags present. Moving full speed ahead out of emotions or unresolved personal issues such as loneliness or anxiousness will only backfire on you.
I read once that wisdom is knowing and perceiving God’s perspective on a person, thing, or issue, and choosing to agree with His purposes. Are you willing to seek direction before getting involved? More importantly, are you willing to agree with whatever He tells you? Ultimately your agreement with godly guidance is going to be the difference between your success and failure in whatever you’re doing. That guidance may come through friends and loved ones who can see your situation from the outside and/or the sense of peace or a lack of peace you feel inside about the person or situation you’re dealing with. Don’t tell yourself you have peace when you really don’t, or try to convince yourself that what you’re observing isn’t really happening. Observe, discern, and love yourself enough to be honest about what you see.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Discipline, Diligence, and Consistency: Your Success Formula for 2012
Another year has come and gone and, hopefully, 2011 was a year of fulfillment, accomplished goals, and forward progress. I’m pleased to say that as I survey the past year and evaluate it as I always do at the close of another twelve months, I accomplished the goals I set for myself on January 1, 2011. As we press into a brand new span of 365, the theme of discipline, diligence, and consistency came up in my mind during the last few days of 2011 and I decided that it would be my theme for 2012. If there could be a formula for success, these three words are it.
Whether you have one goal that you’re focusing on this year, or ten, discipline is going to be the key to seeing some things happen over the next twelve months. You may have some health and fitness goals, financial objectives, or just a desire to be a more loving person, but regardless of the goals, discipline is going to be a major factor in whether those things materialize. One definition of discipline is “activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training.” I can think of at least 3 areas of my life where I need to tighten up my discipline and I’ve already started. Discipline requires a commitment to follow through on what you say you’re going to do in your personal life. Only you know the areas in which you need more discipline, and if you commit to creating a repetitive regimen that is designed to help you become more disciplined, you will be that much closer to seeing your goal become a reality.
Diligence is another success key that will take your life to another level. One of my favorite scriptures is Proverbs 10:4 which says, “He becomes poor that deals with a slack hand: but the hand of the diligent makes rich.” We see that diligence (or slackness i.e. laziness) activates a process of “becoming” meaning that you will be moving in a direction, either positive or negative, based on your choice of action. I definitely want to move in the direction of increase, prosperity, and success in every aspect of my life and I want everything I touch to be successful so diligence has to be a part of my lifestyle. To be diligent is to be constant in effort to accomplish something; attentive and persistent in doing anything. WHATEVER you’re trying to do, be diligent. Don’t stop giving it attention. Make a point to do something EVERY day, that pertains to what you’re trying to accomplish. The momentum you create from that one action of diligence will cause an inflow of opportunities for success.
Finally the issue of consistency is so important. It’s kind of along the same lines of diligence. Consistency is the key to the breakthrough you’re waiting for. It’s the attitude that refuses to get tired and quit when things get difficult. It’s the mindset that continues to do what needs to be done to reach the goal. It’s remaining the same in your actions and the quality of your actions, day in and day out, as it pertains to the accomplishment of your goals. It’s the people who are consistent who achieve lasting success.
I’m all about setting realistic goals that can be achieved in a measurable amount of time. To me, that’s the best way to get things done. Decide what you want to make happen this year, come up with a plan and be disciplined, diligent, and consistent. By doing so you’ll be able to look back on 2012 with ultimate satisfaction. And you’ll have something to show for your efforts!
Whether you have one goal that you’re focusing on this year, or ten, discipline is going to be the key to seeing some things happen over the next twelve months. You may have some health and fitness goals, financial objectives, or just a desire to be a more loving person, but regardless of the goals, discipline is going to be a major factor in whether those things materialize. One definition of discipline is “activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training.” I can think of at least 3 areas of my life where I need to tighten up my discipline and I’ve already started. Discipline requires a commitment to follow through on what you say you’re going to do in your personal life. Only you know the areas in which you need more discipline, and if you commit to creating a repetitive regimen that is designed to help you become more disciplined, you will be that much closer to seeing your goal become a reality.
Diligence is another success key that will take your life to another level. One of my favorite scriptures is Proverbs 10:4 which says, “He becomes poor that deals with a slack hand: but the hand of the diligent makes rich.” We see that diligence (or slackness i.e. laziness) activates a process of “becoming” meaning that you will be moving in a direction, either positive or negative, based on your choice of action. I definitely want to move in the direction of increase, prosperity, and success in every aspect of my life and I want everything I touch to be successful so diligence has to be a part of my lifestyle. To be diligent is to be constant in effort to accomplish something; attentive and persistent in doing anything. WHATEVER you’re trying to do, be diligent. Don’t stop giving it attention. Make a point to do something EVERY day, that pertains to what you’re trying to accomplish. The momentum you create from that one action of diligence will cause an inflow of opportunities for success.
Finally the issue of consistency is so important. It’s kind of along the same lines of diligence. Consistency is the key to the breakthrough you’re waiting for. It’s the attitude that refuses to get tired and quit when things get difficult. It’s the mindset that continues to do what needs to be done to reach the goal. It’s remaining the same in your actions and the quality of your actions, day in and day out, as it pertains to the accomplishment of your goals. It’s the people who are consistent who achieve lasting success.
I’m all about setting realistic goals that can be achieved in a measurable amount of time. To me, that’s the best way to get things done. Decide what you want to make happen this year, come up with a plan and be disciplined, diligent, and consistent. By doing so you’ll be able to look back on 2012 with ultimate satisfaction. And you’ll have something to show for your efforts!
Monday, October 31, 2011
Familiar Territory: A Hindrance to Your Destiny
When it comes to moving into God’s plan and purpose for your life, there is absolutely no question that you are going to have to move out of familiar territory. The comfort of what’s familiar to us, whether it’s a way of doing things, established thought patterns, an activity that has become a permanent part of our lives, our friends, or even family members, can sometimes become the very things that hold us back from going to another level in life. Our fear of what we think could happen if we move beyond familiar territory often paralyzes us and, consequently, we remain stuck in the same place, year after year—the same mindsets, the same negative emotions, the same struggles, the same problems, the same spiritual state that we’ve been in for the past decade of our lives! If you want change, you’re going to have to step out of what’s familiar.
I remember one of the biggest stepping out of familiar territory actions that I took was my decision to move across the country to attend college in Atlanta, Georgia at 18 years old. It was a pretty bold move for a young teenager from California, who didn’t know anyone in Atlanta and had never been that far from my family in any capacity. But my adventurous and headstrong personality embraced the prospect of conquering new territory and, with my family’s support, I took the leap. Little did I know that Atlanta would be the place where I would experience and grow through some of my most significant life lessons, develop lasting life-long friendships, meet my future husband, discover my ministry calling, and the will of God for my life. I wasn’t a person of faith back then at 18 years old, but I did have a willing heart that wanted to explore new things. God used that aspect of my personality to move me into exactly the place He needed me to be.
Over the years there have been many more instances of times where I had to move beyond what was familiar in order to embrace something new that would take my life to another level. The process of letting go of what is comfortable is ongoing. Sometimes it meant following a direction from God that other people didn’t fully understand, or making a decision to change a mindset that I had held on to for a long time. At other times it meant letting go of things that had become familiar idols in my life in order to experience a greater intensity of God’s power and presence. Regardless of the situation, it always involved moving out of some kind of comfort zone in order to see what was on the other side of what was familiar. I can honestly say that I haven’t been disappointed yet.
There’s definitely an element of fear involved in moving out of familiar territory but press past it. Sometimes the things that are familiar to us are like security blankets that we hold on to in order to preserve a sense of comfort, especially when we don’t feel secure or at peace within ourselves. Sometimes we just enjoy what we are currently involved in and the thought of giving it up makes us cringe. The truth is that we were all created to expand, take new territory, and continually go from level to level. Change is an inevitable part of life, and when we fight it, we end up stagnating, sometimes for years. We have to be willing to let go in order to let God do more in our lives. Consider what’s familiar to you and how moving beyond it could revolutionize your life in ways you can’t even fathom. Don’t let familiar territory hinder you from the greater purpose God has for your life!
I remember one of the biggest stepping out of familiar territory actions that I took was my decision to move across the country to attend college in Atlanta, Georgia at 18 years old. It was a pretty bold move for a young teenager from California, who didn’t know anyone in Atlanta and had never been that far from my family in any capacity. But my adventurous and headstrong personality embraced the prospect of conquering new territory and, with my family’s support, I took the leap. Little did I know that Atlanta would be the place where I would experience and grow through some of my most significant life lessons, develop lasting life-long friendships, meet my future husband, discover my ministry calling, and the will of God for my life. I wasn’t a person of faith back then at 18 years old, but I did have a willing heart that wanted to explore new things. God used that aspect of my personality to move me into exactly the place He needed me to be.
Over the years there have been many more instances of times where I had to move beyond what was familiar in order to embrace something new that would take my life to another level. The process of letting go of what is comfortable is ongoing. Sometimes it meant following a direction from God that other people didn’t fully understand, or making a decision to change a mindset that I had held on to for a long time. At other times it meant letting go of things that had become familiar idols in my life in order to experience a greater intensity of God’s power and presence. Regardless of the situation, it always involved moving out of some kind of comfort zone in order to see what was on the other side of what was familiar. I can honestly say that I haven’t been disappointed yet.
There’s definitely an element of fear involved in moving out of familiar territory but press past it. Sometimes the things that are familiar to us are like security blankets that we hold on to in order to preserve a sense of comfort, especially when we don’t feel secure or at peace within ourselves. Sometimes we just enjoy what we are currently involved in and the thought of giving it up makes us cringe. The truth is that we were all created to expand, take new territory, and continually go from level to level. Change is an inevitable part of life, and when we fight it, we end up stagnating, sometimes for years. We have to be willing to let go in order to let God do more in our lives. Consider what’s familiar to you and how moving beyond it could revolutionize your life in ways you can’t even fathom. Don’t let familiar territory hinder you from the greater purpose God has for your life!
Monday, September 12, 2011
The Womanhood Series: Who Is the Proverbs 31 Woman?
If you’re familiar with the book of Proverbs, you have most likely heard of the Proverbs 31 woman, also described as the “virtuous” woman. If you’re not familiar with Proverbs, keep reading. I love the book of Proverbs in the Bible because it is pregnant with wisdom keys that are applicable to anyone, regardless of who you are. Even if the Bible is unfamiliar territory, Proverbs is one of those books that you can read chapter to chapter and walk away with something that will resonate in your spirit. Its truths are undeniable. One of my favorite chapters is 31 because it provides an outline for womanhood that, when executed and cultivated, is guaranteed to position a woman for success in her life. It is an outline that focuses on the intangible qualities of being an honorable woman—the things that are not often celebrated in popular culture today, but appreciated by those who truly recognize and value their importance and worth.
If you were to simply read the adjectives describing this woman, it would give you a clear picture of who she is. While the context is that of a married woman in a relationship with her husband, even single women can be P31s. Capable, intelligent, virtuous, and precious are just a few of the things that describe her. She is someone who is trustworthy and reliable, in other words, she’s not a flake and she keeps her word. It says she comforts people and encourages them. She opens her mouth to speak good things, and not evil things; she knows the power of her words and uses them wisely for the purpose of building others up and not tearing them down. She always has wise counsel and instruction on her lips.
Another thing I love about the Proverbs 31 woman is that she is a business woman. The Bible describes her as an enterprising woman who “works with willing hands” and has goods and services to provide to other people. She’s not waiting for a hand out or for someone to rescue her, but instead she is making things happen in a way that puts her in a position to delegate jobs and assignments to others. Not only that but she manages her household with wisdom and is a woman of prayer and integrity. She is spiritually and emotionally strong, dignified, and secure.
In a world where insecurity has become the benchmark of womanhood, resulting in conduct and behavior that reflects on women negatively, it is no wonder that when people encounter a P31 woman they are refreshed, pleasantly surprised, and stand in admiration of her. She is a welcome change in a society that has actually empowered women to be mere shells of who God created them to be.
Becoming this type of woman is a process, not an overnight event. We “become” through the choices we make on a daily basis. Any woman can become the things the Word describes, once she decides that’s what she wants to do. Any woman can look at where she is now, look at her reflection in the mirror and decide she wants the woman staring back at her to reflect the character and nature of God, versus the character and nature of this world. Some things to consider in your journey toward virtuous womanhood are:
1. The importance of allowing God’s definition of what’s valuable to be your standard. Proverbs 31 is a model of womanhood that is based on spiritual development and character. It’s interesting to note that the entire chapter focuses on what her character was like, but gives no physical description of her. Verse 30 says that “charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised.” To “fear” the Lord simply means to honor and respect God, not fear in the sense of being afraid. Think about how you feel when someone honors and respects you—it makes you want to reciprocate the honor and respect. The character of honor and respect for God is what trumps outward appearances, material possessions, or a charming personality. In other words, spend time cultivating your relationship with God; make it a priority.
2. Pray. Having a strong prayer life builds your confidence in God and also puts you in a position to hear Him speak to you about you. The more you pray, the stronger you become spiritually and the more discerning you become about the decisions you are facing in life. Decisions are the open door into reality so when your decisions are in line with God’s will, it will lead you into a Proverbs 31 reality.
3. Study the Word of God.
If you’re not familiar with a bunch of scriptures, the book of Proverbs is a great place to start for practical wisdom on how to live your life. The key is to start somewhere. As you continue to read, ask God to open the eyes of your understanding and you will find yourself on a journey of discovery through the Word of God. The more you meditate on it, the more the character of God will be developed in you. You will be surprised at how your mindset and attitude about who you are as a woman will begin to shift and your priorities will move from being self-focused to God-focused.
Your focus is the process of your development. Keep that in mind as you embark on your journey towards virtuous womanhood. God has you in His hand and will bring you to your ultimate destination of power, virtue, and success as you let Him mold you into the woman He created you to be!
If you were to simply read the adjectives describing this woman, it would give you a clear picture of who she is. While the context is that of a married woman in a relationship with her husband, even single women can be P31s. Capable, intelligent, virtuous, and precious are just a few of the things that describe her. She is someone who is trustworthy and reliable, in other words, she’s not a flake and she keeps her word. It says she comforts people and encourages them. She opens her mouth to speak good things, and not evil things; she knows the power of her words and uses them wisely for the purpose of building others up and not tearing them down. She always has wise counsel and instruction on her lips.
Another thing I love about the Proverbs 31 woman is that she is a business woman. The Bible describes her as an enterprising woman who “works with willing hands” and has goods and services to provide to other people. She’s not waiting for a hand out or for someone to rescue her, but instead she is making things happen in a way that puts her in a position to delegate jobs and assignments to others. Not only that but she manages her household with wisdom and is a woman of prayer and integrity. She is spiritually and emotionally strong, dignified, and secure.
In a world where insecurity has become the benchmark of womanhood, resulting in conduct and behavior that reflects on women negatively, it is no wonder that when people encounter a P31 woman they are refreshed, pleasantly surprised, and stand in admiration of her. She is a welcome change in a society that has actually empowered women to be mere shells of who God created them to be.
Becoming this type of woman is a process, not an overnight event. We “become” through the choices we make on a daily basis. Any woman can become the things the Word describes, once she decides that’s what she wants to do. Any woman can look at where she is now, look at her reflection in the mirror and decide she wants the woman staring back at her to reflect the character and nature of God, versus the character and nature of this world. Some things to consider in your journey toward virtuous womanhood are:
1. The importance of allowing God’s definition of what’s valuable to be your standard. Proverbs 31 is a model of womanhood that is based on spiritual development and character. It’s interesting to note that the entire chapter focuses on what her character was like, but gives no physical description of her. Verse 30 says that “charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised.” To “fear” the Lord simply means to honor and respect God, not fear in the sense of being afraid. Think about how you feel when someone honors and respects you—it makes you want to reciprocate the honor and respect. The character of honor and respect for God is what trumps outward appearances, material possessions, or a charming personality. In other words, spend time cultivating your relationship with God; make it a priority.
2. Pray. Having a strong prayer life builds your confidence in God and also puts you in a position to hear Him speak to you about you. The more you pray, the stronger you become spiritually and the more discerning you become about the decisions you are facing in life. Decisions are the open door into reality so when your decisions are in line with God’s will, it will lead you into a Proverbs 31 reality.
3. Study the Word of God.
If you’re not familiar with a bunch of scriptures, the book of Proverbs is a great place to start for practical wisdom on how to live your life. The key is to start somewhere. As you continue to read, ask God to open the eyes of your understanding and you will find yourself on a journey of discovery through the Word of God. The more you meditate on it, the more the character of God will be developed in you. You will be surprised at how your mindset and attitude about who you are as a woman will begin to shift and your priorities will move from being self-focused to God-focused.
Your focus is the process of your development. Keep that in mind as you embark on your journey towards virtuous womanhood. God has you in His hand and will bring you to your ultimate destination of power, virtue, and success as you let Him mold you into the woman He created you to be!
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
The Womanhood Series: From Insecurity to Wholeness
Whenever I see little girls, whether out with their moms when I’m at the grocery store, or playing with their friends in my subdivision, I often wonder what kind of women they will grow up to be, who their predominant role models are, and what, if any, positive examples they are seeing in their lives of strong, honorable women who are emotionally whole and spiritually sound. Unfortunately we live in a world in which womanhood is not defined by morals, values, and qualities that uphold a standard of treatment that demands respect, but by insecurity, competitive jealousy, and objectification. The media’s depictions of “real-life” women on popular reality shows are one-sided and less than stellar to say the least. These images are helping to contribute to the shaping of a new model of womanhood that is insecurity-based, where referring to ourselves as “bitches” is the norm and reducing our relationships with other women to nothing more than catfights is the standard. If we’re not fighting with each other over something insignificant, then we’re competing for the attention of a man, objectifying ourselves, trying to preserve our superficial images, or attempting to prove to a man that we’re just as competent, strong, and capable as he is. The sad part is that in the midst of all the competing, proving, and fighting, we’re losing ourselves and who God created us to be.
The images of twisted womanhood are everywhere we turn, from music to television. The popular reality show Basketball Wives as well as the Real Housewives franchise are prime examples of what happens when adult women, who are battling insecurity try to form alliances. It never works. Even the “T.O. Show” displays contentious, insecure women with issues who can’t control their emotions and whose relationship with each other is marked by constant strife. Is this what womanhood has been reduced to? If you feed yourself a steady diet of reality TV, it would appear that way; however, there are women who are not living this false identity and who have a standard of conduct for their lives that doesn’t involve the things I just described. It is up to us to be the role models for the little girls I mentioned at the beginning of this blog.
I believe at the core of every woman who feels the need to compete with another woman or try to prove something about who she is, is basic insecurity. Everyone has battled it at some point or another, but when it is never resolved it will inevitably cause problems, making healthy relationships virtually impossible. I believe the root of insecurity usually comes from something that stems from childhood, usually the absence of a parent’s love although a woman may not be cognizant of that fact until later on in life. When you grow up without something, you adapt to not having it and the results and effects may not become evident until adulthood.
Going back to my observation of young girls, I always think about how children need stability and a sense of security from both parents. When there is an imbalance, there will always be a voided area and a young girl may grow up always feeling the need to protect herself. As a result she may put up walls of distrust, which will shut others out or be interpreted as hostility. Compounded with anger, resentment, and disappointment, the final product is an adult woman who is constantly “acting out” of that place of insecurity, going through life a scared little girl on the inside who is constantly trying to prove herself on the outside. Most of these women have been hurt and as usual, the media has turned their pain into entertainment, but that’s another issue.
Getting past insecurity can’t be done without gaining knowledge of who we are in God. Since most of us didn’t get these types of spiritual principles instilled in us as young girls, the process of discovering the love of God usually comes during adulthood, often after several painful life experiences and reaching a breaking point. Regardless of when the epiphany comes, the important thing is reaching that point of clarity. Here are few things to consider in achieving the security that can only be found in the One who created you:
1. Nothing and no one can bring security like God.
We often go through life trying to fill the voids we have through relationships, money, success, pleasure, acquiring material possessions, marriage, friendships, and a host of other “fillers” that ultimately never satisfy us. This is simply because those things were never meant to fill voids—only God can do that. Realizing that nothing that has been created was made to take the place of the Creator is a turning point moment. Meditate on Proverbs 31:25 (Amplified Bible): “Strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is strong and secure…” God wants to fill your empty places with His power and very being to bring you to a place of emotional wholeness in your spirit and soul. This will tremendously transform your relationships with men and women alike.
2. Where insecurity is present, there is usually a need to forgive someone.
People aren’t born insecure; they become that way usually because of what someone has done or not done in their lives. Whenever another person is involved, who has been a source of hurt or pain, forgiveness is necessary. Forgiveness sets you and the other person free from having the power to hold you captive to their mistakes. It also releases the power of God to take over in your life and bring security where insecurity was created. Forgiveness is a powerful tool in restoring internal voids caused by insecurity. Forgive yourself as well.
3. Realize God loves you.
Insecurity, the need to compete, and the stressful relationships that come out of always having to prove yourself in some way is based on the idea of self-preservation, which is based on fear. When fear is present, it is evident that the love of God has not been fully developed in you. God loves you, and when you know that God loves you, you don’t have to go through life with a chip on your shoulder that comes from fear and insecurity. The love of God is sustaining and fulfilling, freeing you to love other people without reservation. Meditate on 1 John 4:18: “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear: because fear has torment…” Become conscious of when you are going into self-preservation mode and refuse to be tormented by it. Make some different decisions, even if they are small, to act from a place of love rather than selfishness, fear, and insecurity. Your relationships will be transformed.
God is the cure for insecurity and tormented relationships. He is a healer, and that includes emotional and spiritual healing as well as physical. Women who are emotionally and spiritually whole, and who understand who they are in God, are in position to reach out to those who are not, which can be the catalyst for change. Be an agent of change in the life of a woman who may need your strength. We’re all in this together!
The images of twisted womanhood are everywhere we turn, from music to television. The popular reality show Basketball Wives as well as the Real Housewives franchise are prime examples of what happens when adult women, who are battling insecurity try to form alliances. It never works. Even the “T.O. Show” displays contentious, insecure women with issues who can’t control their emotions and whose relationship with each other is marked by constant strife. Is this what womanhood has been reduced to? If you feed yourself a steady diet of reality TV, it would appear that way; however, there are women who are not living this false identity and who have a standard of conduct for their lives that doesn’t involve the things I just described. It is up to us to be the role models for the little girls I mentioned at the beginning of this blog.
I believe at the core of every woman who feels the need to compete with another woman or try to prove something about who she is, is basic insecurity. Everyone has battled it at some point or another, but when it is never resolved it will inevitably cause problems, making healthy relationships virtually impossible. I believe the root of insecurity usually comes from something that stems from childhood, usually the absence of a parent’s love although a woman may not be cognizant of that fact until later on in life. When you grow up without something, you adapt to not having it and the results and effects may not become evident until adulthood.
Going back to my observation of young girls, I always think about how children need stability and a sense of security from both parents. When there is an imbalance, there will always be a voided area and a young girl may grow up always feeling the need to protect herself. As a result she may put up walls of distrust, which will shut others out or be interpreted as hostility. Compounded with anger, resentment, and disappointment, the final product is an adult woman who is constantly “acting out” of that place of insecurity, going through life a scared little girl on the inside who is constantly trying to prove herself on the outside. Most of these women have been hurt and as usual, the media has turned their pain into entertainment, but that’s another issue.
Getting past insecurity can’t be done without gaining knowledge of who we are in God. Since most of us didn’t get these types of spiritual principles instilled in us as young girls, the process of discovering the love of God usually comes during adulthood, often after several painful life experiences and reaching a breaking point. Regardless of when the epiphany comes, the important thing is reaching that point of clarity. Here are few things to consider in achieving the security that can only be found in the One who created you:
1. Nothing and no one can bring security like God.
We often go through life trying to fill the voids we have through relationships, money, success, pleasure, acquiring material possessions, marriage, friendships, and a host of other “fillers” that ultimately never satisfy us. This is simply because those things were never meant to fill voids—only God can do that. Realizing that nothing that has been created was made to take the place of the Creator is a turning point moment. Meditate on Proverbs 31:25 (Amplified Bible): “Strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is strong and secure…” God wants to fill your empty places with His power and very being to bring you to a place of emotional wholeness in your spirit and soul. This will tremendously transform your relationships with men and women alike.
2. Where insecurity is present, there is usually a need to forgive someone.
People aren’t born insecure; they become that way usually because of what someone has done or not done in their lives. Whenever another person is involved, who has been a source of hurt or pain, forgiveness is necessary. Forgiveness sets you and the other person free from having the power to hold you captive to their mistakes. It also releases the power of God to take over in your life and bring security where insecurity was created. Forgiveness is a powerful tool in restoring internal voids caused by insecurity. Forgive yourself as well.
3. Realize God loves you.
Insecurity, the need to compete, and the stressful relationships that come out of always having to prove yourself in some way is based on the idea of self-preservation, which is based on fear. When fear is present, it is evident that the love of God has not been fully developed in you. God loves you, and when you know that God loves you, you don’t have to go through life with a chip on your shoulder that comes from fear and insecurity. The love of God is sustaining and fulfilling, freeing you to love other people without reservation. Meditate on 1 John 4:18: “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear: because fear has torment…” Become conscious of when you are going into self-preservation mode and refuse to be tormented by it. Make some different decisions, even if they are small, to act from a place of love rather than selfishness, fear, and insecurity. Your relationships will be transformed.
God is the cure for insecurity and tormented relationships. He is a healer, and that includes emotional and spiritual healing as well as physical. Women who are emotionally and spiritually whole, and who understand who they are in God, are in position to reach out to those who are not, which can be the catalyst for change. Be an agent of change in the life of a woman who may need your strength. We’re all in this together!
Friday, July 15, 2011
The Father Void
I recently had to go to traffic court to settle a speeding ticket and as I waited in the courtroom, seated alongside others who had come to deal with whatever offense they had committed, I noticed about three rows of male prisoners seated in front of me. They ranged in age from the teens to late 40s. Some hung their heads while others had their heads held high, in anticipation of the judge’s entry into the courtroom. Suddenly a power outage took place in the building and when the lights came back on, the men were ordered to get up and leave the courtroom. The all got up and, with hands shackled behind them, filed out of their respective rows to follow the officer who was directing them back to their cells. The sight these men, who had lost control of their right to make their own decisions at this point because of their own poor choices, was heartbreaking. I began to wonder how many of these men were fathers, and what their relationship with their own fathers was like.
For those who were fathers, the sad reality that somewhere there was a child (or children) who would be forced to go through a period of not having a dad for the length of their father’s prison sentence was sobering. I would be willing to bet that many of those men lacked a strong male figure in their own lives growing up, which somehow played an internal role in the paths they took. Somewhere along the line, they lacked a father who nurtured them and loved them unconditionally as young boys. Somewhere there was a disconnect, which got me thinking about how vital and critical a father is in the life of his son, and the fact that a father “void” in a man’s life can affect him at a core level that profoundly impacts his soul. The inherent desire in every man for a father-son connection, when breached, can be devastating.
As a woman, I can’t imagine the pain a young boy, or even an adult man, might feel not having a strong relationship with his dad, especially since the maleness that connects them is what makes that relationship so special. Mother and father absences in a child’s life affect boys and girls differently, and I intend on dealing with the female perspective soon. However, I have observed, from friends, family, and even my own father’s negative relationship with his dad, how when a son doesn’t feel loved by his father, anger and hurt are the result. Some men hold on to these negative emotions all their lives, reluctant to even talk about the pain because it is too much to deal with. Others turn their anger inward, and it can manifest as depression and self-sabotaging behavior on many levels. Some lash out toward others because of a root of anger and rejection, while other men can’t seem to figure out how to have healthy relationships with women, or be able to relate to other men in a way that doesn’t reflect insecurity and inferiority.
Because men tend not to be as verbal with their emotions, there can be a tendency to bottle the feelings inside until they come out in some way that is hurtful to themselves or others. There are fathers and sons who go years without speaking to each other, or they may have a relationship that is laced with an underlying tension that neither really wants to deal with. Many times the root issue is simply that a son is crying out for love from his dad; love he doesn’t feel was expressed to him in a way that made him feel valued, loved, and appreciated. Some dads may have been present physically, but completely unavailable from an emotional and spiritual standpoint. Others were abusive or simply non-communicative.
To be called a father, is the highest honor God can bestow on a man (major props to all the men who are blessed to have children and are taking care of their responsibilities not only financially, but spiritually and emotionally as well). There are ways a man should father his children that reflect how God fathers us such as giving them a sense of security and identity, providing for them, counseling them, giving sound counsel and direction, and most of all loving them. I would venture to say that the source of many societal problems today is fatherlessness. The truth is, a father cannot just be physically present and a financial provider, he must be engaged in the lives of his children. Active, emotionally present, and self-less. These are words that I feel describe a good dad. Until men are restored to their positions of father like our heavenly Father does us, society, families, communities, governments, and nations cannot be healed and will not function properly. The father is the foundation upon which a healthy family is built.
So how does a man get from hurt to healing, especially when a broken father-son relationship is the reality he is facing, and the pain is eating away at his soul? Consider the following:
1. Forgive.
Forgiveness is absolutely essential to begin the healing process. Bitterness, when allowed to take root, will poison the spirit and soul of a man. Whether your father is alive or not, you can still make a decision to forgive him for his mistakes. Keep in mind that he may not have had the tools and resources to be a good father, and his family model also impacted his parenting skills. Sometimes forgiveness by faith is necessary, which simply means deciding to forgive even when your emotions aren’t feeling the decision. Forgiveness releases both father and son from the offense and opens the door for the power of restoration.
2. Talk about it.
There comes a point between a parent and child where they will have to have that heart-to-heart discussion about the grievances they have in their hearts toward one another. If it doesn’t happen calmly and peaceably, it often happens in an angry outburst, but one way or another, it’s coming out. If possible, and if you are ready, consider reaching out to your dad to discuss your relationship. If this isn’t possible because of death, or if you have no way of locating your dad, consider finding a trusted friend to vent your emotions to if those emotions haven’t been resolved. Some sons are not struggling with this area and have moved on, but others have not. Writing down your thoughts completely in the forms of writing letters to your dad, expressing how you feel about his presence, or absence, is also another way “talk about it” in his absence.
3. Recognize that your Heavenly Father loves you unconditionally.
Even when our earthly fathers fail us, we have a Heavenly Father who loves us unconditionally. The idea of God as an actual person who expresses love toward human beings may seem unfathomable to some, but it is true. Jeremiah 1:5 is a powerful scripture that speaks to the manifold wisdom of God in creating each and every individual: “Before I formed you in the womb I knew and approved of you…” Even if you feel like your natural father never had a connection with you because of his own choice, you have God who knows you intimately and desires to have a relationship with you. As the one who created both you and your dad, He is more than able to make up for anything lacking. Seek Him and His Word to develop a working revelation of His love.
4. God is in the restoration business.
For those struggling with a father void, know that there is no father-son relationship that is beyond repair! God specializes in restoring broken relationships. Luke 1:17 says the hearts of the fathers will be turned back to their children. Nothing is too hard for God when you believe.
5. Know your potential.
As a spiritual being who has unlimited potential for success living inside you, there is nothing that can hold you back, not even a damaged father-son relationship. The only barrier is in your mind. Knowing your divine nature will release you from being held captive by any negative things you’ve experienced in the past.
6. Be free to love other people by becoming whole in your emotions.
A person can’t give what they don’t possess. This may be the case with many fathers who didn’t impart the necessary love and guidance into their sons. However, the son doesn’t have to be a repeat act of his father. Only God can truly heal us in our emotions, and when our emotions are healed, we will be able to love other people without reservation and from a place that radiates absolute security.
God values each of us and has invested so much in us. He has invested His very nature in us, which is why we do not have to be bound by our family history. Even if you didn’t have a good relationship with your dad, you can become the man God has called and created you to be, and create a foundation for future generations that is unshakable.
*Daddy’s Little Girl: Dealing with the Father Void in Women blog coming soon…
For those who were fathers, the sad reality that somewhere there was a child (or children) who would be forced to go through a period of not having a dad for the length of their father’s prison sentence was sobering. I would be willing to bet that many of those men lacked a strong male figure in their own lives growing up, which somehow played an internal role in the paths they took. Somewhere along the line, they lacked a father who nurtured them and loved them unconditionally as young boys. Somewhere there was a disconnect, which got me thinking about how vital and critical a father is in the life of his son, and the fact that a father “void” in a man’s life can affect him at a core level that profoundly impacts his soul. The inherent desire in every man for a father-son connection, when breached, can be devastating.
As a woman, I can’t imagine the pain a young boy, or even an adult man, might feel not having a strong relationship with his dad, especially since the maleness that connects them is what makes that relationship so special. Mother and father absences in a child’s life affect boys and girls differently, and I intend on dealing with the female perspective soon. However, I have observed, from friends, family, and even my own father’s negative relationship with his dad, how when a son doesn’t feel loved by his father, anger and hurt are the result. Some men hold on to these negative emotions all their lives, reluctant to even talk about the pain because it is too much to deal with. Others turn their anger inward, and it can manifest as depression and self-sabotaging behavior on many levels. Some lash out toward others because of a root of anger and rejection, while other men can’t seem to figure out how to have healthy relationships with women, or be able to relate to other men in a way that doesn’t reflect insecurity and inferiority.
Because men tend not to be as verbal with their emotions, there can be a tendency to bottle the feelings inside until they come out in some way that is hurtful to themselves or others. There are fathers and sons who go years without speaking to each other, or they may have a relationship that is laced with an underlying tension that neither really wants to deal with. Many times the root issue is simply that a son is crying out for love from his dad; love he doesn’t feel was expressed to him in a way that made him feel valued, loved, and appreciated. Some dads may have been present physically, but completely unavailable from an emotional and spiritual standpoint. Others were abusive or simply non-communicative.
To be called a father, is the highest honor God can bestow on a man (major props to all the men who are blessed to have children and are taking care of their responsibilities not only financially, but spiritually and emotionally as well). There are ways a man should father his children that reflect how God fathers us such as giving them a sense of security and identity, providing for them, counseling them, giving sound counsel and direction, and most of all loving them. I would venture to say that the source of many societal problems today is fatherlessness. The truth is, a father cannot just be physically present and a financial provider, he must be engaged in the lives of his children. Active, emotionally present, and self-less. These are words that I feel describe a good dad. Until men are restored to their positions of father like our heavenly Father does us, society, families, communities, governments, and nations cannot be healed and will not function properly. The father is the foundation upon which a healthy family is built.
So how does a man get from hurt to healing, especially when a broken father-son relationship is the reality he is facing, and the pain is eating away at his soul? Consider the following:
1. Forgive.
Forgiveness is absolutely essential to begin the healing process. Bitterness, when allowed to take root, will poison the spirit and soul of a man. Whether your father is alive or not, you can still make a decision to forgive him for his mistakes. Keep in mind that he may not have had the tools and resources to be a good father, and his family model also impacted his parenting skills. Sometimes forgiveness by faith is necessary, which simply means deciding to forgive even when your emotions aren’t feeling the decision. Forgiveness releases both father and son from the offense and opens the door for the power of restoration.
2. Talk about it.
There comes a point between a parent and child where they will have to have that heart-to-heart discussion about the grievances they have in their hearts toward one another. If it doesn’t happen calmly and peaceably, it often happens in an angry outburst, but one way or another, it’s coming out. If possible, and if you are ready, consider reaching out to your dad to discuss your relationship. If this isn’t possible because of death, or if you have no way of locating your dad, consider finding a trusted friend to vent your emotions to if those emotions haven’t been resolved. Some sons are not struggling with this area and have moved on, but others have not. Writing down your thoughts completely in the forms of writing letters to your dad, expressing how you feel about his presence, or absence, is also another way “talk about it” in his absence.
3. Recognize that your Heavenly Father loves you unconditionally.
Even when our earthly fathers fail us, we have a Heavenly Father who loves us unconditionally. The idea of God as an actual person who expresses love toward human beings may seem unfathomable to some, but it is true. Jeremiah 1:5 is a powerful scripture that speaks to the manifold wisdom of God in creating each and every individual: “Before I formed you in the womb I knew and approved of you…” Even if you feel like your natural father never had a connection with you because of his own choice, you have God who knows you intimately and desires to have a relationship with you. As the one who created both you and your dad, He is more than able to make up for anything lacking. Seek Him and His Word to develop a working revelation of His love.
4. God is in the restoration business.
For those struggling with a father void, know that there is no father-son relationship that is beyond repair! God specializes in restoring broken relationships. Luke 1:17 says the hearts of the fathers will be turned back to their children. Nothing is too hard for God when you believe.
5. Know your potential.
As a spiritual being who has unlimited potential for success living inside you, there is nothing that can hold you back, not even a damaged father-son relationship. The only barrier is in your mind. Knowing your divine nature will release you from being held captive by any negative things you’ve experienced in the past.
6. Be free to love other people by becoming whole in your emotions.
A person can’t give what they don’t possess. This may be the case with many fathers who didn’t impart the necessary love and guidance into their sons. However, the son doesn’t have to be a repeat act of his father. Only God can truly heal us in our emotions, and when our emotions are healed, we will be able to love other people without reservation and from a place that radiates absolute security.
God values each of us and has invested so much in us. He has invested His very nature in us, which is why we do not have to be bound by our family history. Even if you didn’t have a good relationship with your dad, you can become the man God has called and created you to be, and create a foundation for future generations that is unshakable.
*Daddy’s Little Girl: Dealing with the Father Void in Women blog coming soon…
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
