The Father Void

I recently had to go to traffic court to settle a speeding ticket and as I waited in the courtroom, seated alongside others who had come to deal with whatever offense they had committed, I noticed about three rows of male prisoners seated in front of me. They ranged in age from the teens to late 40s. Some hung their heads while others had their heads held high, in anticipation of the judge’s entry into the courtroom. Suddenly a power outage took place in the building and when the lights came back on, the men were ordered to get up and leave the courtroom. The all got up and, with hands shackled behind them, filed out of their respective rows to follow the officer who was directing them back to their cells. The sight these men, who had lost control of their right to make their own decisions at this point because of their own poor choices, was heartbreaking. I began to wonder how many of these men were fathers, and what their relationship with their own fathers was like.

For those who were fathers, the sad reality that somewhere there was a child (or children) who would be forced to go through a period of not having a dad for the length of their father’s prison sentence was sobering. I would be willing to bet that many of those men lacked a strong male figure in their own lives growing up, which somehow played an internal role in the paths they took. Somewhere along the line, they lacked a father who nurtured them and loved them unconditionally as young boys. Somewhere there was a disconnect, which got me thinking about how vital and critical a father is in the life of his son, and the fact that a father “void” in a man’s life can affect him at a core level that profoundly impacts his soul. The inherent desire in every man for a father-son connection, when breached, can be devastating.

As a woman, I can’t imagine the pain a young boy, or even an adult man, might feel not having a strong relationship with his dad, especially since the maleness that connects them is what makes that relationship so special. Mother and father absences in a child’s life affect boys and girls differently, and I intend on dealing with the female perspective soon. However, I have observed, from friends, family, and even my own father’s negative relationship with his dad, how when a son doesn’t feel loved by his father, anger and hurt are the result. Some men hold on to these negative emotions all their lives, reluctant to even talk about the pain because it is too much to deal with. Others turn their anger inward, and it can manifest as depression and self-sabotaging behavior on many levels. Some lash out toward others because of a root of anger and rejection, while other men can’t seem to figure out how to have healthy relationships with women, or be able to relate to other men in a way that doesn’t reflect insecurity and inferiority.

Because men tend not to be as verbal with their emotions, there can be a tendency to bottle the feelings inside until they come out in some way that is hurtful to themselves or others. There are fathers and sons who go years without speaking to each other, or they may have a relationship that is laced with an underlying tension that neither really wants to deal with. Many times the root issue is simply that a son is crying out for love from his dad; love he doesn’t feel was expressed to him in a way that made him feel valued, loved, and appreciated. Some dads may have been present physically, but completely unavailable from an emotional and spiritual standpoint. Others were abusive or simply non-communicative.

To be called a father, is the highest honor God can bestow on a man (major props to all the men who are blessed to have children and are taking care of their responsibilities not only financially, but spiritually and emotionally as well). There are ways a man should father his children that reflect how God fathers us such as giving them a sense of security and identity, providing for them, counseling them, giving sound counsel and direction, and most of all loving them. I would venture to say that the source of many societal problems today is fatherlessness. The truth is, a father cannot just be physically present and a financial provider, he must be engaged in the lives of his children. Active, emotionally present, and self-less. These are words that I feel describe a good dad. Until men are restored to their positions of father like our heavenly Father does us, society, families, communities, governments, and nations cannot be healed and will not function properly. The father is the foundation upon which a healthy family is built.

So how does a man get from hurt to healing, especially when a broken father-son relationship is the reality he is facing, and the pain is eating away at his soul? Consider the following:

1. Forgive.
Forgiveness is absolutely essential to begin the healing process. Bitterness, when allowed to take root, will poison the spirit and soul of a man. Whether your father is alive or not, you can still make a decision to forgive him for his mistakes. Keep in mind that he may not have had the tools and resources to be a good father, and his family model also impacted his parenting skills. Sometimes forgiveness by faith is necessary, which simply means deciding to forgive even when your emotions aren’t feeling the decision. Forgiveness releases both father and son from the offense and opens the door for the power of restoration.

2. Talk about it.
There comes a point between a parent and child where they will have to have that heart-to-heart discussion about the grievances they have in their hearts toward one another. If it doesn’t happen calmly and peaceably, it often happens in an angry outburst, but one way or another, it’s coming out. If possible, and if you are ready, consider reaching out to your dad to discuss your relationship. If this isn’t possible because of death, or if you have no way of locating your dad, consider finding a trusted friend to vent your emotions to if those emotions haven’t been resolved. Some sons are not struggling with this area and have moved on, but others have not. Writing down your thoughts completely in the forms of writing letters to your dad, expressing how you feel about his presence, or absence, is also another way “talk about it” in his absence.

3. Recognize that your Heavenly Father loves you unconditionally.
Even when our earthly fathers fail us, we have a Heavenly Father who loves us unconditionally. The idea of God as an actual person who expresses love toward human beings may seem unfathomable to some, but it is true. Jeremiah 1:5 is a powerful scripture that speaks to the manifold wisdom of God in creating each and every individual: “Before I formed you in the womb I knew and approved of you…” Even if you feel like your natural father never had a connection with you because of his own choice, you have God who knows you intimately and desires to have a relationship with you. As the one who created both you and your dad, He is more than able to make up for anything lacking. Seek Him and His Word to develop a working revelation of His love.

4. God is in the restoration business.
For those struggling with a father void, know that there is no father-son relationship that is beyond repair! God specializes in restoring broken relationships. Luke 1:17 says the hearts of the fathers will be turned back to their children. Nothing is too hard for God when you believe.

5. Know your potential.
As a spiritual being who has unlimited potential for success living inside you, there is nothing that can hold you back, not even a damaged father-son relationship. The only barrier is in your mind. Knowing your divine nature will release you from being held captive by any negative things you’ve experienced in the past.

6. Be free to love other people by becoming whole in your emotions.
A person can’t give what they don’t possess. This may be the case with many fathers who didn’t impart the necessary love and guidance into their sons. However, the son doesn’t have to be a repeat act of his father. Only God can truly heal us in our emotions, and when our emotions are healed, we will be able to love other people without reservation and from a place that radiates absolute security.

God values each of us and has invested so much in us. He has invested His very nature in us, which is why we do not have to be bound by our family history. Even if you didn’t have a good relationship with your dad, you can become the man God has called and created you to be, and create a foundation for future generations that is unshakable.

*Daddy’s Little Girl: Dealing with the Father Void in Women blog coming soon…