When it comes to moving into God’s plan and purpose for your life, there is absolutely no question that you are going to have to move out of familiar territory. The comfort of what’s familiar to us, whether it’s a way of doing things, established thought patterns, an activity that has become a permanent part of our lives, our friends, or even family members, can sometimes become the very things that hold us back from going to another level in life. Our fear of what we think could happen if we move beyond familiar territory often paralyzes us and, consequently, we remain stuck in the same place, year after year—the same mindsets, the same negative emotions, the same struggles, the same problems, the same spiritual state that we’ve been in for the past decade of our lives! If you want change, you’re going to have to step out of what’s familiar.
I remember one of the biggest stepping out of familiar territory actions that I took was my decision to move across the country to attend college in Atlanta, Georgia at 18 years old. It was a pretty bold move for a young teenager from California, who didn’t know anyone in Atlanta and had never been that far from my family in any capacity. But my adventurous and headstrong personality embraced the prospect of conquering new territory and, with my family’s support, I took the leap. Little did I know that Atlanta would be the place where I would experience and grow through some of my most significant life lessons, develop lasting life-long friendships, meet my future husband, discover my ministry calling, and the will of God for my life. I wasn’t a person of faith back then at 18 years old, but I did have a willing heart that wanted to explore new things. God used that aspect of my personality to move me into exactly the place He needed me to be.
Over the years there have been many more instances of times where I had to move beyond what was familiar in order to embrace something new that would take my life to another level. The process of letting go of what is comfortable is ongoing. Sometimes it meant following a direction from God that other people didn’t fully understand, or making a decision to change a mindset that I had held on to for a long time. At other times it meant letting go of things that had become familiar idols in my life in order to experience a greater intensity of God’s power and presence. Regardless of the situation, it always involved moving out of some kind of comfort zone in order to see what was on the other side of what was familiar. I can honestly say that I haven’t been disappointed yet.
There’s definitely an element of fear involved in moving out of familiar territory but press past it. Sometimes the things that are familiar to us are like security blankets that we hold on to in order to preserve a sense of comfort, especially when we don’t feel secure or at peace within ourselves. Sometimes we just enjoy what we are currently involved in and the thought of giving it up makes us cringe. The truth is that we were all created to expand, take new territory, and continually go from level to level. Change is an inevitable part of life, and when we fight it, we end up stagnating, sometimes for years. We have to be willing to let go in order to let God do more in our lives. Consider what’s familiar to you and how moving beyond it could revolutionize your life in ways you can’t even fathom. Don’t let familiar territory hinder you from the greater purpose God has for your life!
Monday, October 31, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
The Womanhood Series: Who Is the Proverbs 31 Woman?
If you’re familiar with the book of Proverbs, you have most likely heard of the Proverbs 31 woman, also described as the “virtuous” woman. If you’re not familiar with Proverbs, keep reading. I love the book of Proverbs in the Bible because it is pregnant with wisdom keys that are applicable to anyone, regardless of who you are. Even if the Bible is unfamiliar territory, Proverbs is one of those books that you can read chapter to chapter and walk away with something that will resonate in your spirit. Its truths are undeniable. One of my favorite chapters is 31 because it provides an outline for womanhood that, when executed and cultivated, is guaranteed to position a woman for success in her life. It is an outline that focuses on the intangible qualities of being an honorable woman—the things that are not often celebrated in popular culture today, but appreciated by those who truly recognize and value their importance and worth.
If you were to simply read the adjectives describing this woman, it would give you a clear picture of who she is. While the context is that of a married woman in a relationship with her husband, even single women can be P31s. Capable, intelligent, virtuous, and precious are just a few of the things that describe her. She is someone who is trustworthy and reliable, in other words, she’s not a flake and she keeps her word. It says she comforts people and encourages them. She opens her mouth to speak good things, and not evil things; she knows the power of her words and uses them wisely for the purpose of building others up and not tearing them down. She always has wise counsel and instruction on her lips.
Another thing I love about the Proverbs 31 woman is that she is a business woman. The Bible describes her as an enterprising woman who “works with willing hands” and has goods and services to provide to other people. She’s not waiting for a hand out or for someone to rescue her, but instead she is making things happen in a way that puts her in a position to delegate jobs and assignments to others. Not only that but she manages her household with wisdom and is a woman of prayer and integrity. She is spiritually and emotionally strong, dignified, and secure.
In a world where insecurity has become the benchmark of womanhood, resulting in conduct and behavior that reflects on women negatively, it is no wonder that when people encounter a P31 woman they are refreshed, pleasantly surprised, and stand in admiration of her. She is a welcome change in a society that has actually empowered women to be mere shells of who God created them to be.
Becoming this type of woman is a process, not an overnight event. We “become” through the choices we make on a daily basis. Any woman can become the things the Word describes, once she decides that’s what she wants to do. Any woman can look at where she is now, look at her reflection in the mirror and decide she wants the woman staring back at her to reflect the character and nature of God, versus the character and nature of this world. Some things to consider in your journey toward virtuous womanhood are:
1. The importance of allowing God’s definition of what’s valuable to be your standard. Proverbs 31 is a model of womanhood that is based on spiritual development and character. It’s interesting to note that the entire chapter focuses on what her character was like, but gives no physical description of her. Verse 30 says that “charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised.” To “fear” the Lord simply means to honor and respect God, not fear in the sense of being afraid. Think about how you feel when someone honors and respects you—it makes you want to reciprocate the honor and respect. The character of honor and respect for God is what trumps outward appearances, material possessions, or a charming personality. In other words, spend time cultivating your relationship with God; make it a priority.
2. Pray. Having a strong prayer life builds your confidence in God and also puts you in a position to hear Him speak to you about you. The more you pray, the stronger you become spiritually and the more discerning you become about the decisions you are facing in life. Decisions are the open door into reality so when your decisions are in line with God’s will, it will lead you into a Proverbs 31 reality.
3. Study the Word of God.
If you’re not familiar with a bunch of scriptures, the book of Proverbs is a great place to start for practical wisdom on how to live your life. The key is to start somewhere. As you continue to read, ask God to open the eyes of your understanding and you will find yourself on a journey of discovery through the Word of God. The more you meditate on it, the more the character of God will be developed in you. You will be surprised at how your mindset and attitude about who you are as a woman will begin to shift and your priorities will move from being self-focused to God-focused.
Your focus is the process of your development. Keep that in mind as you embark on your journey towards virtuous womanhood. God has you in His hand and will bring you to your ultimate destination of power, virtue, and success as you let Him mold you into the woman He created you to be!
If you were to simply read the adjectives describing this woman, it would give you a clear picture of who she is. While the context is that of a married woman in a relationship with her husband, even single women can be P31s. Capable, intelligent, virtuous, and precious are just a few of the things that describe her. She is someone who is trustworthy and reliable, in other words, she’s not a flake and she keeps her word. It says she comforts people and encourages them. She opens her mouth to speak good things, and not evil things; she knows the power of her words and uses them wisely for the purpose of building others up and not tearing them down. She always has wise counsel and instruction on her lips.
Another thing I love about the Proverbs 31 woman is that she is a business woman. The Bible describes her as an enterprising woman who “works with willing hands” and has goods and services to provide to other people. She’s not waiting for a hand out or for someone to rescue her, but instead she is making things happen in a way that puts her in a position to delegate jobs and assignments to others. Not only that but she manages her household with wisdom and is a woman of prayer and integrity. She is spiritually and emotionally strong, dignified, and secure.
In a world where insecurity has become the benchmark of womanhood, resulting in conduct and behavior that reflects on women negatively, it is no wonder that when people encounter a P31 woman they are refreshed, pleasantly surprised, and stand in admiration of her. She is a welcome change in a society that has actually empowered women to be mere shells of who God created them to be.
Becoming this type of woman is a process, not an overnight event. We “become” through the choices we make on a daily basis. Any woman can become the things the Word describes, once she decides that’s what she wants to do. Any woman can look at where she is now, look at her reflection in the mirror and decide she wants the woman staring back at her to reflect the character and nature of God, versus the character and nature of this world. Some things to consider in your journey toward virtuous womanhood are:
1. The importance of allowing God’s definition of what’s valuable to be your standard. Proverbs 31 is a model of womanhood that is based on spiritual development and character. It’s interesting to note that the entire chapter focuses on what her character was like, but gives no physical description of her. Verse 30 says that “charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised.” To “fear” the Lord simply means to honor and respect God, not fear in the sense of being afraid. Think about how you feel when someone honors and respects you—it makes you want to reciprocate the honor and respect. The character of honor and respect for God is what trumps outward appearances, material possessions, or a charming personality. In other words, spend time cultivating your relationship with God; make it a priority.
2. Pray. Having a strong prayer life builds your confidence in God and also puts you in a position to hear Him speak to you about you. The more you pray, the stronger you become spiritually and the more discerning you become about the decisions you are facing in life. Decisions are the open door into reality so when your decisions are in line with God’s will, it will lead you into a Proverbs 31 reality.
3. Study the Word of God.
If you’re not familiar with a bunch of scriptures, the book of Proverbs is a great place to start for practical wisdom on how to live your life. The key is to start somewhere. As you continue to read, ask God to open the eyes of your understanding and you will find yourself on a journey of discovery through the Word of God. The more you meditate on it, the more the character of God will be developed in you. You will be surprised at how your mindset and attitude about who you are as a woman will begin to shift and your priorities will move from being self-focused to God-focused.
Your focus is the process of your development. Keep that in mind as you embark on your journey towards virtuous womanhood. God has you in His hand and will bring you to your ultimate destination of power, virtue, and success as you let Him mold you into the woman He created you to be!
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
The Womanhood Series: From Insecurity to Wholeness
Whenever I see little girls, whether out with their moms when I’m at the grocery store, or playing with their friends in my subdivision, I often wonder what kind of women they will grow up to be, who their predominant role models are, and what, if any, positive examples they are seeing in their lives of strong, honorable women who are emotionally whole and spiritually sound. Unfortunately we live in a world in which womanhood is not defined by morals, values, and qualities that uphold a standard of treatment that demands respect, but by insecurity, competitive jealousy, and objectification. The media’s depictions of “real-life” women on popular reality shows are one-sided and less than stellar to say the least. These images are helping to contribute to the shaping of a new model of womanhood that is insecurity-based, where referring to ourselves as “bitches” is the norm and reducing our relationships with other women to nothing more than catfights is the standard. If we’re not fighting with each other over something insignificant, then we’re competing for the attention of a man, objectifying ourselves, trying to preserve our superficial images, or attempting to prove to a man that we’re just as competent, strong, and capable as he is. The sad part is that in the midst of all the competing, proving, and fighting, we’re losing ourselves and who God created us to be.
The images of twisted womanhood are everywhere we turn, from music to television. The popular reality show Basketball Wives as well as the Real Housewives franchise are prime examples of what happens when adult women, who are battling insecurity try to form alliances. It never works. Even the “T.O. Show” displays contentious, insecure women with issues who can’t control their emotions and whose relationship with each other is marked by constant strife. Is this what womanhood has been reduced to? If you feed yourself a steady diet of reality TV, it would appear that way; however, there are women who are not living this false identity and who have a standard of conduct for their lives that doesn’t involve the things I just described. It is up to us to be the role models for the little girls I mentioned at the beginning of this blog.
I believe at the core of every woman who feels the need to compete with another woman or try to prove something about who she is, is basic insecurity. Everyone has battled it at some point or another, but when it is never resolved it will inevitably cause problems, making healthy relationships virtually impossible. I believe the root of insecurity usually comes from something that stems from childhood, usually the absence of a parent’s love although a woman may not be cognizant of that fact until later on in life. When you grow up without something, you adapt to not having it and the results and effects may not become evident until adulthood.
Going back to my observation of young girls, I always think about how children need stability and a sense of security from both parents. When there is an imbalance, there will always be a voided area and a young girl may grow up always feeling the need to protect herself. As a result she may put up walls of distrust, which will shut others out or be interpreted as hostility. Compounded with anger, resentment, and disappointment, the final product is an adult woman who is constantly “acting out” of that place of insecurity, going through life a scared little girl on the inside who is constantly trying to prove herself on the outside. Most of these women have been hurt and as usual, the media has turned their pain into entertainment, but that’s another issue.
Getting past insecurity can’t be done without gaining knowledge of who we are in God. Since most of us didn’t get these types of spiritual principles instilled in us as young girls, the process of discovering the love of God usually comes during adulthood, often after several painful life experiences and reaching a breaking point. Regardless of when the epiphany comes, the important thing is reaching that point of clarity. Here are few things to consider in achieving the security that can only be found in the One who created you:
1. Nothing and no one can bring security like God.
We often go through life trying to fill the voids we have through relationships, money, success, pleasure, acquiring material possessions, marriage, friendships, and a host of other “fillers” that ultimately never satisfy us. This is simply because those things were never meant to fill voids—only God can do that. Realizing that nothing that has been created was made to take the place of the Creator is a turning point moment. Meditate on Proverbs 31:25 (Amplified Bible): “Strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is strong and secure…” God wants to fill your empty places with His power and very being to bring you to a place of emotional wholeness in your spirit and soul. This will tremendously transform your relationships with men and women alike.
2. Where insecurity is present, there is usually a need to forgive someone.
People aren’t born insecure; they become that way usually because of what someone has done or not done in their lives. Whenever another person is involved, who has been a source of hurt or pain, forgiveness is necessary. Forgiveness sets you and the other person free from having the power to hold you captive to their mistakes. It also releases the power of God to take over in your life and bring security where insecurity was created. Forgiveness is a powerful tool in restoring internal voids caused by insecurity. Forgive yourself as well.
3. Realize God loves you.
Insecurity, the need to compete, and the stressful relationships that come out of always having to prove yourself in some way is based on the idea of self-preservation, which is based on fear. When fear is present, it is evident that the love of God has not been fully developed in you. God loves you, and when you know that God loves you, you don’t have to go through life with a chip on your shoulder that comes from fear and insecurity. The love of God is sustaining and fulfilling, freeing you to love other people without reservation. Meditate on 1 John 4:18: “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear: because fear has torment…” Become conscious of when you are going into self-preservation mode and refuse to be tormented by it. Make some different decisions, even if they are small, to act from a place of love rather than selfishness, fear, and insecurity. Your relationships will be transformed.
God is the cure for insecurity and tormented relationships. He is a healer, and that includes emotional and spiritual healing as well as physical. Women who are emotionally and spiritually whole, and who understand who they are in God, are in position to reach out to those who are not, which can be the catalyst for change. Be an agent of change in the life of a woman who may need your strength. We’re all in this together!
The images of twisted womanhood are everywhere we turn, from music to television. The popular reality show Basketball Wives as well as the Real Housewives franchise are prime examples of what happens when adult women, who are battling insecurity try to form alliances. It never works. Even the “T.O. Show” displays contentious, insecure women with issues who can’t control their emotions and whose relationship with each other is marked by constant strife. Is this what womanhood has been reduced to? If you feed yourself a steady diet of reality TV, it would appear that way; however, there are women who are not living this false identity and who have a standard of conduct for their lives that doesn’t involve the things I just described. It is up to us to be the role models for the little girls I mentioned at the beginning of this blog.
I believe at the core of every woman who feels the need to compete with another woman or try to prove something about who she is, is basic insecurity. Everyone has battled it at some point or another, but when it is never resolved it will inevitably cause problems, making healthy relationships virtually impossible. I believe the root of insecurity usually comes from something that stems from childhood, usually the absence of a parent’s love although a woman may not be cognizant of that fact until later on in life. When you grow up without something, you adapt to not having it and the results and effects may not become evident until adulthood.
Going back to my observation of young girls, I always think about how children need stability and a sense of security from both parents. When there is an imbalance, there will always be a voided area and a young girl may grow up always feeling the need to protect herself. As a result she may put up walls of distrust, which will shut others out or be interpreted as hostility. Compounded with anger, resentment, and disappointment, the final product is an adult woman who is constantly “acting out” of that place of insecurity, going through life a scared little girl on the inside who is constantly trying to prove herself on the outside. Most of these women have been hurt and as usual, the media has turned their pain into entertainment, but that’s another issue.
Getting past insecurity can’t be done without gaining knowledge of who we are in God. Since most of us didn’t get these types of spiritual principles instilled in us as young girls, the process of discovering the love of God usually comes during adulthood, often after several painful life experiences and reaching a breaking point. Regardless of when the epiphany comes, the important thing is reaching that point of clarity. Here are few things to consider in achieving the security that can only be found in the One who created you:
1. Nothing and no one can bring security like God.
We often go through life trying to fill the voids we have through relationships, money, success, pleasure, acquiring material possessions, marriage, friendships, and a host of other “fillers” that ultimately never satisfy us. This is simply because those things were never meant to fill voids—only God can do that. Realizing that nothing that has been created was made to take the place of the Creator is a turning point moment. Meditate on Proverbs 31:25 (Amplified Bible): “Strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is strong and secure…” God wants to fill your empty places with His power and very being to bring you to a place of emotional wholeness in your spirit and soul. This will tremendously transform your relationships with men and women alike.
2. Where insecurity is present, there is usually a need to forgive someone.
People aren’t born insecure; they become that way usually because of what someone has done or not done in their lives. Whenever another person is involved, who has been a source of hurt or pain, forgiveness is necessary. Forgiveness sets you and the other person free from having the power to hold you captive to their mistakes. It also releases the power of God to take over in your life and bring security where insecurity was created. Forgiveness is a powerful tool in restoring internal voids caused by insecurity. Forgive yourself as well.
3. Realize God loves you.
Insecurity, the need to compete, and the stressful relationships that come out of always having to prove yourself in some way is based on the idea of self-preservation, which is based on fear. When fear is present, it is evident that the love of God has not been fully developed in you. God loves you, and when you know that God loves you, you don’t have to go through life with a chip on your shoulder that comes from fear and insecurity. The love of God is sustaining and fulfilling, freeing you to love other people without reservation. Meditate on 1 John 4:18: “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear: because fear has torment…” Become conscious of when you are going into self-preservation mode and refuse to be tormented by it. Make some different decisions, even if they are small, to act from a place of love rather than selfishness, fear, and insecurity. Your relationships will be transformed.
God is the cure for insecurity and tormented relationships. He is a healer, and that includes emotional and spiritual healing as well as physical. Women who are emotionally and spiritually whole, and who understand who they are in God, are in position to reach out to those who are not, which can be the catalyst for change. Be an agent of change in the life of a woman who may need your strength. We’re all in this together!
Friday, July 15, 2011
The Father Void
I recently had to go to traffic court to settle a speeding ticket and as I waited in the courtroom, seated alongside others who had come to deal with whatever offense they had committed, I noticed about three rows of male prisoners seated in front of me. They ranged in age from the teens to late 40s. Some hung their heads while others had their heads held high, in anticipation of the judge’s entry into the courtroom. Suddenly a power outage took place in the building and when the lights came back on, the men were ordered to get up and leave the courtroom. The all got up and, with hands shackled behind them, filed out of their respective rows to follow the officer who was directing them back to their cells. The sight these men, who had lost control of their right to make their own decisions at this point because of their own poor choices, was heartbreaking. I began to wonder how many of these men were fathers, and what their relationship with their own fathers was like.
For those who were fathers, the sad reality that somewhere there was a child (or children) who would be forced to go through a period of not having a dad for the length of their father’s prison sentence was sobering. I would be willing to bet that many of those men lacked a strong male figure in their own lives growing up, which somehow played an internal role in the paths they took. Somewhere along the line, they lacked a father who nurtured them and loved them unconditionally as young boys. Somewhere there was a disconnect, which got me thinking about how vital and critical a father is in the life of his son, and the fact that a father “void” in a man’s life can affect him at a core level that profoundly impacts his soul. The inherent desire in every man for a father-son connection, when breached, can be devastating.
As a woman, I can’t imagine the pain a young boy, or even an adult man, might feel not having a strong relationship with his dad, especially since the maleness that connects them is what makes that relationship so special. Mother and father absences in a child’s life affect boys and girls differently, and I intend on dealing with the female perspective soon. However, I have observed, from friends, family, and even my own father’s negative relationship with his dad, how when a son doesn’t feel loved by his father, anger and hurt are the result. Some men hold on to these negative emotions all their lives, reluctant to even talk about the pain because it is too much to deal with. Others turn their anger inward, and it can manifest as depression and self-sabotaging behavior on many levels. Some lash out toward others because of a root of anger and rejection, while other men can’t seem to figure out how to have healthy relationships with women, or be able to relate to other men in a way that doesn’t reflect insecurity and inferiority.
Because men tend not to be as verbal with their emotions, there can be a tendency to bottle the feelings inside until they come out in some way that is hurtful to themselves or others. There are fathers and sons who go years without speaking to each other, or they may have a relationship that is laced with an underlying tension that neither really wants to deal with. Many times the root issue is simply that a son is crying out for love from his dad; love he doesn’t feel was expressed to him in a way that made him feel valued, loved, and appreciated. Some dads may have been present physically, but completely unavailable from an emotional and spiritual standpoint. Others were abusive or simply non-communicative.
To be called a father, is the highest honor God can bestow on a man (major props to all the men who are blessed to have children and are taking care of their responsibilities not only financially, but spiritually and emotionally as well). There are ways a man should father his children that reflect how God fathers us such as giving them a sense of security and identity, providing for them, counseling them, giving sound counsel and direction, and most of all loving them. I would venture to say that the source of many societal problems today is fatherlessness. The truth is, a father cannot just be physically present and a financial provider, he must be engaged in the lives of his children. Active, emotionally present, and self-less. These are words that I feel describe a good dad. Until men are restored to their positions of father like our heavenly Father does us, society, families, communities, governments, and nations cannot be healed and will not function properly. The father is the foundation upon which a healthy family is built.
So how does a man get from hurt to healing, especially when a broken father-son relationship is the reality he is facing, and the pain is eating away at his soul? Consider the following:
1. Forgive.
Forgiveness is absolutely essential to begin the healing process. Bitterness, when allowed to take root, will poison the spirit and soul of a man. Whether your father is alive or not, you can still make a decision to forgive him for his mistakes. Keep in mind that he may not have had the tools and resources to be a good father, and his family model also impacted his parenting skills. Sometimes forgiveness by faith is necessary, which simply means deciding to forgive even when your emotions aren’t feeling the decision. Forgiveness releases both father and son from the offense and opens the door for the power of restoration.
2. Talk about it.
There comes a point between a parent and child where they will have to have that heart-to-heart discussion about the grievances they have in their hearts toward one another. If it doesn’t happen calmly and peaceably, it often happens in an angry outburst, but one way or another, it’s coming out. If possible, and if you are ready, consider reaching out to your dad to discuss your relationship. If this isn’t possible because of death, or if you have no way of locating your dad, consider finding a trusted friend to vent your emotions to if those emotions haven’t been resolved. Some sons are not struggling with this area and have moved on, but others have not. Writing down your thoughts completely in the forms of writing letters to your dad, expressing how you feel about his presence, or absence, is also another way “talk about it” in his absence.
3. Recognize that your Heavenly Father loves you unconditionally.
Even when our earthly fathers fail us, we have a Heavenly Father who loves us unconditionally. The idea of God as an actual person who expresses love toward human beings may seem unfathomable to some, but it is true. Jeremiah 1:5 is a powerful scripture that speaks to the manifold wisdom of God in creating each and every individual: “Before I formed you in the womb I knew and approved of you…” Even if you feel like your natural father never had a connection with you because of his own choice, you have God who knows you intimately and desires to have a relationship with you. As the one who created both you and your dad, He is more than able to make up for anything lacking. Seek Him and His Word to develop a working revelation of His love.
4. God is in the restoration business.
For those struggling with a father void, know that there is no father-son relationship that is beyond repair! God specializes in restoring broken relationships. Luke 1:17 says the hearts of the fathers will be turned back to their children. Nothing is too hard for God when you believe.
5. Know your potential.
As a spiritual being who has unlimited potential for success living inside you, there is nothing that can hold you back, not even a damaged father-son relationship. The only barrier is in your mind. Knowing your divine nature will release you from being held captive by any negative things you’ve experienced in the past.
6. Be free to love other people by becoming whole in your emotions.
A person can’t give what they don’t possess. This may be the case with many fathers who didn’t impart the necessary love and guidance into their sons. However, the son doesn’t have to be a repeat act of his father. Only God can truly heal us in our emotions, and when our emotions are healed, we will be able to love other people without reservation and from a place that radiates absolute security.
God values each of us and has invested so much in us. He has invested His very nature in us, which is why we do not have to be bound by our family history. Even if you didn’t have a good relationship with your dad, you can become the man God has called and created you to be, and create a foundation for future generations that is unshakable.
*Daddy’s Little Girl: Dealing with the Father Void in Women blog coming soon…
For those who were fathers, the sad reality that somewhere there was a child (or children) who would be forced to go through a period of not having a dad for the length of their father’s prison sentence was sobering. I would be willing to bet that many of those men lacked a strong male figure in their own lives growing up, which somehow played an internal role in the paths they took. Somewhere along the line, they lacked a father who nurtured them and loved them unconditionally as young boys. Somewhere there was a disconnect, which got me thinking about how vital and critical a father is in the life of his son, and the fact that a father “void” in a man’s life can affect him at a core level that profoundly impacts his soul. The inherent desire in every man for a father-son connection, when breached, can be devastating.
As a woman, I can’t imagine the pain a young boy, or even an adult man, might feel not having a strong relationship with his dad, especially since the maleness that connects them is what makes that relationship so special. Mother and father absences in a child’s life affect boys and girls differently, and I intend on dealing with the female perspective soon. However, I have observed, from friends, family, and even my own father’s negative relationship with his dad, how when a son doesn’t feel loved by his father, anger and hurt are the result. Some men hold on to these negative emotions all their lives, reluctant to even talk about the pain because it is too much to deal with. Others turn their anger inward, and it can manifest as depression and self-sabotaging behavior on many levels. Some lash out toward others because of a root of anger and rejection, while other men can’t seem to figure out how to have healthy relationships with women, or be able to relate to other men in a way that doesn’t reflect insecurity and inferiority.
Because men tend not to be as verbal with their emotions, there can be a tendency to bottle the feelings inside until they come out in some way that is hurtful to themselves or others. There are fathers and sons who go years without speaking to each other, or they may have a relationship that is laced with an underlying tension that neither really wants to deal with. Many times the root issue is simply that a son is crying out for love from his dad; love he doesn’t feel was expressed to him in a way that made him feel valued, loved, and appreciated. Some dads may have been present physically, but completely unavailable from an emotional and spiritual standpoint. Others were abusive or simply non-communicative.
To be called a father, is the highest honor God can bestow on a man (major props to all the men who are blessed to have children and are taking care of their responsibilities not only financially, but spiritually and emotionally as well). There are ways a man should father his children that reflect how God fathers us such as giving them a sense of security and identity, providing for them, counseling them, giving sound counsel and direction, and most of all loving them. I would venture to say that the source of many societal problems today is fatherlessness. The truth is, a father cannot just be physically present and a financial provider, he must be engaged in the lives of his children. Active, emotionally present, and self-less. These are words that I feel describe a good dad. Until men are restored to their positions of father like our heavenly Father does us, society, families, communities, governments, and nations cannot be healed and will not function properly. The father is the foundation upon which a healthy family is built.
So how does a man get from hurt to healing, especially when a broken father-son relationship is the reality he is facing, and the pain is eating away at his soul? Consider the following:
1. Forgive.
Forgiveness is absolutely essential to begin the healing process. Bitterness, when allowed to take root, will poison the spirit and soul of a man. Whether your father is alive or not, you can still make a decision to forgive him for his mistakes. Keep in mind that he may not have had the tools and resources to be a good father, and his family model also impacted his parenting skills. Sometimes forgiveness by faith is necessary, which simply means deciding to forgive even when your emotions aren’t feeling the decision. Forgiveness releases both father and son from the offense and opens the door for the power of restoration.
2. Talk about it.
There comes a point between a parent and child where they will have to have that heart-to-heart discussion about the grievances they have in their hearts toward one another. If it doesn’t happen calmly and peaceably, it often happens in an angry outburst, but one way or another, it’s coming out. If possible, and if you are ready, consider reaching out to your dad to discuss your relationship. If this isn’t possible because of death, or if you have no way of locating your dad, consider finding a trusted friend to vent your emotions to if those emotions haven’t been resolved. Some sons are not struggling with this area and have moved on, but others have not. Writing down your thoughts completely in the forms of writing letters to your dad, expressing how you feel about his presence, or absence, is also another way “talk about it” in his absence.
3. Recognize that your Heavenly Father loves you unconditionally.
Even when our earthly fathers fail us, we have a Heavenly Father who loves us unconditionally. The idea of God as an actual person who expresses love toward human beings may seem unfathomable to some, but it is true. Jeremiah 1:5 is a powerful scripture that speaks to the manifold wisdom of God in creating each and every individual: “Before I formed you in the womb I knew and approved of you…” Even if you feel like your natural father never had a connection with you because of his own choice, you have God who knows you intimately and desires to have a relationship with you. As the one who created both you and your dad, He is more than able to make up for anything lacking. Seek Him and His Word to develop a working revelation of His love.
4. God is in the restoration business.
For those struggling with a father void, know that there is no father-son relationship that is beyond repair! God specializes in restoring broken relationships. Luke 1:17 says the hearts of the fathers will be turned back to their children. Nothing is too hard for God when you believe.
5. Know your potential.
As a spiritual being who has unlimited potential for success living inside you, there is nothing that can hold you back, not even a damaged father-son relationship. The only barrier is in your mind. Knowing your divine nature will release you from being held captive by any negative things you’ve experienced in the past.
6. Be free to love other people by becoming whole in your emotions.
A person can’t give what they don’t possess. This may be the case with many fathers who didn’t impart the necessary love and guidance into their sons. However, the son doesn’t have to be a repeat act of his father. Only God can truly heal us in our emotions, and when our emotions are healed, we will be able to love other people without reservation and from a place that radiates absolute security.
God values each of us and has invested so much in us. He has invested His very nature in us, which is why we do not have to be bound by our family history. Even if you didn’t have a good relationship with your dad, you can become the man God has called and created you to be, and create a foundation for future generations that is unshakable.
*Daddy’s Little Girl: Dealing with the Father Void in Women blog coming soon…
Monday, April 18, 2011
The Bitter Pill
It’s that nagging sense of anger, hatred even, that you just can’t seem to shake. It’s the aftertaste of unforgiveness that has been left to simmer in the center of your soul, producing a neverending barrage of negative thoughts and emotions. It’s evident in verbal and even non- verbal communication. It’s like an ulcer that is silently festering, slowly eroding your body’s tissue until it’s presence has done remarkable internal damage. As I reflect on my own life and the many opportunities I’ve had to become bitter, from issues with family, to people who have angered me and a variety of situations and circumstances in between, I’ve come to a point of realizing it’s just not worth the time, energy, or spiritual and ultimately, physical damage (I believe) that bitterness, strife, and unforgiveness can and will cause in our lives if not dealt with. It’s like drinking poison, hoping the object of our bitterness, rage, and unforgiveness is going to die. We are the ones who suffer in the end.
Webster’s dictionary defines bitterness as “marked by intensity or severity (as of distress or hatred); extremely harsh or cruel.” You can discern it easily; it’s the person who’s always angry, always directing hatred toward the object of their anger. Something’s eating them and it’s obvious to everyone around them. When they talk to people, the issue seems to come up again and again. Why? Because they are so consumed with the pain and the hurt that they have actually become the hurt and pain. All that’s left is for that pain and hurt to be outwardly expressed. They draw people into their world who won’t confront the issue, but only agree with their hurt. As a result, healing never takes place.
Sometimes it’s more subtle, and not always evident through obvious verbal lashings and rants. It could be the man or woman who’s been hurt one too many times and has now adopted an internal attitude of bitterness that clouds their ability to even have a healthy relationship. Or the son or daughter who experienced abuse, trauma, or a sense of rejection from family, loved ones, or organizations. It could be resentment carrying over from unresolved issues that are too painful to even talk about. Like scar tissue forming on wounds, bitterness may try to cover, but it keeps the issue from really being resolved. Pain is still present.
One of my favorite scriptures (Hebrews 12:15) describes bitterness as a “root” that is poisonous, eventually growing up in a person to trouble, or torment them. It doesn’t say that root grows up to trouble and torment the object of our anger, but that it torments us! Why hold on to something that is causing us pain, anguish, and suffering? Sometimes we hold on because it is comfortable, and the tedious work of letting go of the offense seems unbearable. Sometimes we just enjoy our selfish moment of anger too much to let it go because in that moment we feel powerful. Other times we don’t even realize bitterness has wrapped it’s tentacles around our souls until we are completely consumed with it and we view the world through that lens. Either way, the truth is bitterness can and will destroy our lives and ruin our relationships. It cuts us off from being able to truly give and receive love as God intends.
I love the phrase “locate yourself” because it means getting real and honest about what is going on inside of us instead of perpetuating an internal victim mentality. Only when we do this can true healing take place. I can think of times when a root of bitterness had gotten in my heart and I had to be honest. It was coloring how I thought, spoke, and related to the individual who had offended me. Just the thought of them sent me into an internal rage. I couldn’t speak about them without having a mean, sarcastic tone. I had to locate myself and realize that I had actually opened the door to a spirit of hatred, all because of an offense I could not let go of at the time. Because I didn’t want to compromise my relationship with God for the sake of what someone did to me, I had to let it go. The other person probably wasn’t even thinking about me or the issue. Maybe they were. The point is, at the end of the day, I was the one who had to deal with the stuff inside of me, not them.
I believe when it comes to forgiveness, practice makes perfect. The more we exercise this powerful spiritual tool, the more proficient we will become at it. Life will give us plenty of situations where we will have to forgive others so why not start now? Who has made you bitter? Who might you be holding unforgiveness toward? How dare we hold on to unforgiveness when God will forgive us for anything at any time when we ask for it? And, don’t forget that there will always come a time in our lives when we will need forgiveness from others. The seeds of unforgiveness and bitterness we sow today will eventually come back as an unwanted harvest in time.
If you feel like bitterness is a stronghold in your life, there is only one solution: forgive. That’s a dirty word to a lot of people because it means relinquishing emotional control over the situation and giving it to God. Forgiveness doesn’t mean allowing someone to continue abusing you (you can always choose to love people at a distance) but it does mean releasing them from the offense in your heart. Is it easy? Absolutely not. Sometimes we have to forgive others by faith, allowing our feelings to line up with that decision later on. The key is to set your will to forgive anyone, for anything, at any time before offenses come. Think you just can’t do it? You can. Living with a forgiveness consciousness positions us to handle hurt more effectively when it shows up. Setting your will to “Automatic Forgiveness Mode” will keep you in constant contact with the love of God, and allow you to release it to others. When it comes to getting over the pain, it’s the best thing you can do for your soul. The choice is yours...
Webster’s dictionary defines bitterness as “marked by intensity or severity (as of distress or hatred); extremely harsh or cruel.” You can discern it easily; it’s the person who’s always angry, always directing hatred toward the object of their anger. Something’s eating them and it’s obvious to everyone around them. When they talk to people, the issue seems to come up again and again. Why? Because they are so consumed with the pain and the hurt that they have actually become the hurt and pain. All that’s left is for that pain and hurt to be outwardly expressed. They draw people into their world who won’t confront the issue, but only agree with their hurt. As a result, healing never takes place.
Sometimes it’s more subtle, and not always evident through obvious verbal lashings and rants. It could be the man or woman who’s been hurt one too many times and has now adopted an internal attitude of bitterness that clouds their ability to even have a healthy relationship. Or the son or daughter who experienced abuse, trauma, or a sense of rejection from family, loved ones, or organizations. It could be resentment carrying over from unresolved issues that are too painful to even talk about. Like scar tissue forming on wounds, bitterness may try to cover, but it keeps the issue from really being resolved. Pain is still present.
One of my favorite scriptures (Hebrews 12:15) describes bitterness as a “root” that is poisonous, eventually growing up in a person to trouble, or torment them. It doesn’t say that root grows up to trouble and torment the object of our anger, but that it torments us! Why hold on to something that is causing us pain, anguish, and suffering? Sometimes we hold on because it is comfortable, and the tedious work of letting go of the offense seems unbearable. Sometimes we just enjoy our selfish moment of anger too much to let it go because in that moment we feel powerful. Other times we don’t even realize bitterness has wrapped it’s tentacles around our souls until we are completely consumed with it and we view the world through that lens. Either way, the truth is bitterness can and will destroy our lives and ruin our relationships. It cuts us off from being able to truly give and receive love as God intends.
I love the phrase “locate yourself” because it means getting real and honest about what is going on inside of us instead of perpetuating an internal victim mentality. Only when we do this can true healing take place. I can think of times when a root of bitterness had gotten in my heart and I had to be honest. It was coloring how I thought, spoke, and related to the individual who had offended me. Just the thought of them sent me into an internal rage. I couldn’t speak about them without having a mean, sarcastic tone. I had to locate myself and realize that I had actually opened the door to a spirit of hatred, all because of an offense I could not let go of at the time. Because I didn’t want to compromise my relationship with God for the sake of what someone did to me, I had to let it go. The other person probably wasn’t even thinking about me or the issue. Maybe they were. The point is, at the end of the day, I was the one who had to deal with the stuff inside of me, not them.
I believe when it comes to forgiveness, practice makes perfect. The more we exercise this powerful spiritual tool, the more proficient we will become at it. Life will give us plenty of situations where we will have to forgive others so why not start now? Who has made you bitter? Who might you be holding unforgiveness toward? How dare we hold on to unforgiveness when God will forgive us for anything at any time when we ask for it? And, don’t forget that there will always come a time in our lives when we will need forgiveness from others. The seeds of unforgiveness and bitterness we sow today will eventually come back as an unwanted harvest in time.
If you feel like bitterness is a stronghold in your life, there is only one solution: forgive. That’s a dirty word to a lot of people because it means relinquishing emotional control over the situation and giving it to God. Forgiveness doesn’t mean allowing someone to continue abusing you (you can always choose to love people at a distance) but it does mean releasing them from the offense in your heart. Is it easy? Absolutely not. Sometimes we have to forgive others by faith, allowing our feelings to line up with that decision later on. The key is to set your will to forgive anyone, for anything, at any time before offenses come. Think you just can’t do it? You can. Living with a forgiveness consciousness positions us to handle hurt more effectively when it shows up. Setting your will to “Automatic Forgiveness Mode” will keep you in constant contact with the love of God, and allow you to release it to others. When it comes to getting over the pain, it’s the best thing you can do for your soul. The choice is yours...
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