The Womanhood Series: From Insecurity to Wholeness

Whenever I see little girls, whether out with their moms when I’m at the grocery store, or playing with their friends in my subdivision, I often wonder what kind of women they will grow up to be, who their predominant role models are, and what, if any, positive examples they are seeing in their lives of strong, honorable women who are emotionally whole and spiritually sound. Unfortunately we live in a world in which womanhood is not defined by morals, values, and qualities that uphold a standard of treatment that demands respect, but by insecurity, competitive jealousy, and objectification. The media’s depictions of “real-life” women on popular reality shows are one-sided and less than stellar to say the least. These images are helping to contribute to the shaping of a new model of womanhood that is insecurity-based, where referring to ourselves as “bitches” is the norm and reducing our relationships with other women to nothing more than catfights is the standard. If we’re not fighting with each other over something insignificant, then we’re competing for the attention of a man, objectifying ourselves, trying to preserve our superficial images, or attempting to prove to a man that we’re just as competent, strong, and capable as he is. The sad part is that in the midst of all the competing, proving, and fighting, we’re losing ourselves and who God created us to be.

The images of twisted womanhood are everywhere we turn, from music to television. The popular reality show Basketball Wives as well as the Real Housewives franchise are prime examples of what happens when adult women, who are battling insecurity try to form alliances. It never works. Even the “T.O. Show” displays contentious, insecure women with issues who can’t control their emotions and whose relationship with each other is marked by constant strife. Is this what womanhood has been reduced to? If you feed yourself a steady diet of reality TV, it would appear that way; however, there are women who are not living this false identity and who have a standard of conduct for their lives that doesn’t involve the things I just described. It is up to us to be the role models for the little girls I mentioned at the beginning of this blog.

I believe at the core of every woman who feels the need to compete with another woman or try to prove something about who she is, is basic insecurity. Everyone has battled it at some point or another, but when it is never resolved it will inevitably cause problems, making healthy relationships virtually impossible. I believe the root of insecurity usually comes from something that stems from childhood, usually the absence of a parent’s love although a woman may not be cognizant of that fact until later on in life. When you grow up without something, you adapt to not having it and the results and effects may not become evident until adulthood.

Going back to my observation of young girls, I always think about how children need stability and a sense of security from both parents. When there is an imbalance, there will always be a voided area and a young girl may grow up always feeling the need to protect herself. As a result she may put up walls of distrust, which will shut others out or be interpreted as hostility. Compounded with anger, resentment, and disappointment, the final product is an adult woman who is constantly “acting out” of that place of insecurity, going through life a scared little girl on the inside who is constantly trying to prove herself on the outside. Most of these women have been hurt and as usual, the media has turned their pain into entertainment, but that’s another issue.

Getting past insecurity can’t be done without gaining knowledge of who we are in God. Since most of us didn’t get these types of spiritual principles instilled in us as young girls, the process of discovering the love of God usually comes during adulthood, often after several painful life experiences and reaching a breaking point. Regardless of when the epiphany comes, the important thing is reaching that point of clarity. Here are few things to consider in achieving the security that can only be found in the One who created you:

1. Nothing and no one can bring security like God.
We often go through life trying to fill the voids we have through relationships, money, success, pleasure, acquiring material possessions, marriage, friendships, and a host of other “fillers” that ultimately never satisfy us. This is simply because those things were never meant to fill voids—only God can do that. Realizing that nothing that has been created was made to take the place of the Creator is a turning point moment. Meditate on Proverbs 31:25 (Amplified Bible): “Strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is strong and secure…” God wants to fill your empty places with His power and very being to bring you to a place of emotional wholeness in your spirit and soul. This will tremendously transform your relationships with men and women alike.

2. Where insecurity is present, there is usually a need to forgive someone.
People aren’t born insecure; they become that way usually because of what someone has done or not done in their lives. Whenever another person is involved, who has been a source of hurt or pain, forgiveness is necessary. Forgiveness sets you and the other person free from having the power to hold you captive to their mistakes. It also releases the power of God to take over in your life and bring security where insecurity was created. Forgiveness is a powerful tool in restoring internal voids caused by insecurity. Forgive yourself as well.

3. Realize God loves you.
Insecurity, the need to compete, and the stressful relationships that come out of always having to prove yourself in some way is based on the idea of self-preservation, which is based on fear. When fear is present, it is evident that the love of God has not been fully developed in you. God loves you, and when you know that God loves you, you don’t have to go through life with a chip on your shoulder that comes from fear and insecurity. The love of God is sustaining and fulfilling, freeing you to love other people without reservation. Meditate on 1 John 4:18: “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear: because fear has torment…” Become conscious of when you are going into self-preservation mode and refuse to be tormented by it. Make some different decisions, even if they are small, to act from a place of love rather than selfishness, fear, and insecurity. Your relationships will be transformed.

God is the cure for insecurity and tormented relationships. He is a healer, and that includes emotional and spiritual healing as well as physical. Women who are emotionally and spiritually whole, and who understand who they are in God, are in position to reach out to those who are not, which can be the catalyst for change. Be an agent of change in the life of a woman who may need your strength. We’re all in this together!